I should be studying right now. I should have been studying since I have all this time before school begins. Two months. TWO MONTHS.
Who takes off for that long of time? Well I did. Initially, I thought two months was just about right. Not too long but long enough to get my self situated. Then I felt like my world turned against me.
Upside- down. Sideways. All ways. “Is this truly happening to me?” It was like a domino effect of anything that would stir me up into a depression. Two months was starting to look too long. Too damn long. I wanted everything to just go back to way it was. I hated feeling like I was falling apart, literally. Who wants to feel like that? Honestly?
Every day I would wake up, hoping for that impossible change. They screwed me over. She doesn’t support my decision. He hasn’t called.
Every day I awaited for these particular scenarios to be fixed so I would not have to worry about them anymore.
“Maybe they made a mistake?…
Maybe she really replaced me?…
Maybe if I call or text a few more times, he’ll answer?”
For one month. I was genuinely miserable. I was witnessing every one else enjoying their days while I was moping the majority of mine.
Being aware that my heart was empty made me feel empty. Emptiness is so weird to describe because it feels unreal. I still feel it to this day, but knowing that this will not last forever.
TWO MONTHS. Two months is starting to look too short. I wasted good quality family time because I was too focused on situations that had already ended. I was too focused on the negative outcomes than the positive ones. I was too focused on others making me happy instead creating my own happiness. I was too focused on not focusing on myself.
I know that being where I am for these two months is a learning process for me. I am gaining to be more vocal, to be more confident, and to be more ME than I ever had. All the times I felt like this journey was a mistake, I’ve realized it is truly a blessing in disguise. As people say often. The school who put me on hold, the relationship between a mother and a daughter, and the guy I fell “head-over-heels” too soon have a purpose to where I am now.
As much as we keep wishing, we are not the makers of our future and we, most certainly, cannot erase our past. Somebody out there, greater than all of us, has control. Whatever you believe in, you know there is a greater power than any of us. That greater power controls night and day and permits who enters and leaves earth. All we can do is take each day and grow. GROW, knowning there is more to come and it’s not all bad. I promise.
Even when you think the worst is happening in your life, the best is happening at the same time.