Good days.

Uncategorized

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Today is going to be a great day. 

I will make sure of it.

At the age of 25, one would think that I would have my life sorted out already. I would know exactly what I want. What kind of life I want to live and how I am going to live it. 

Absolutely not and I know I am not alone. 

It’s not a race because everyone discovers themselves at different points in their life. Sometimes the thoughts that I create are ridiculous and I want to slap myself silly. 

“Stop being silly, Kris!”

Why do we dwell on such negativity in our lives? Why do we even question this at all? We weren’t placed on earth so we can be miserable. Everyone has a task to do, whatever it is. But we must do it in the most positive manner possible. 

“Life is a one way street”

It truly is! We cannot just dispose a crummy life and go purchase a new one at the store. We have one life, one journey, one ending. 

Live it well. 

k.m.w.

 

Reality vs. Reality?

Positivity, The Mind Speaks, TV, Uncategorized

 

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It’s funny how we take a moment of our life, hey, maybe all our life, and relate it to some fictional character from a book or movie.

Lately, I’ve been watching a lot of TV shows and finding characters that share similiarities with me. Not reality shows. Gross. I will admit there are reality TV shows that are very entertaining and genuine. But there are a lot that are just stupid. Sorry but not sorry?

Anyway, you’re probably wondering what show or shows have I been tuning in. Let me first say, I absolutely love “The Mindy Project.” Mindy Khaling is hysterical and there has not been a show where I didn’t rewind a funny part so I can laugh a little bit more or say “Did that really just happen? Hold up now.” “New Girl” is also a faaav of mine but we’re having a complicated relationship which is completely irrelevant now…

Anyway, again, I’ve also been addicted to the show “Nashville.” This is an ABC show about making it big in country music. I didn’t think I would like it but I’ve grown to really admire the characters and of course their songwriting.

The character I found very interested in was Scarlett O’Connor, played by Clare Bowen. I googled that shit. Yes, I am one of those people who actually care about how an actor / actress started off in the show biz. Even during a movie, if I ever see a familar character, I’ll pull up my IMDB app and search the crap out of them.

Anyway, back to my point.

Scarlett comes off as very timid and shy. Not as vocal as most of the other characters because she’s still new to the buisiness.

Though in her music. she says so much. She holds a lot of resentment towards people who have crushed her. Producers who rejected her, complicated relationships with boyfriends, and mommy issues.

I hate spoilers so I really don’t want to say much but there are moments where her emotions and lack of self control become the star of the show than her actual musical performance. Its upsetting. It’s upsetting to see this sweet, beautiful, yet naive girl become defeated so heavily. Even her own music couldn’t save her anymore. She plummeted to her lowest low. 

That’s me. I’m her. I’ve been carrying a lot of resentment towards a whole of people. People very close to me. I’ve been holding on to it for about 8 years or so. Just piling it on. One after the other. Just sweeping dirt under the rug again and again.

And again.

Scarlett wasn’t aware of her depression, but it was evident to everyone around her that something was up.

My loved ones knew something was wrong. I would sigh, unconciously and constantly. I started noticing unusual mannerisms and other behaviours that I never used to do. Like sleeping. All day. At one point, I was just laying on the bedroom floor, staring. Staring at absolutely nothing.

Okay, I lied. I was staring a pair of shoes, my backpack, laptop….NOTHING! What is engaging about those items? They don’t talk or move!?

I was just as lost as Scarlett. The major difference between her and I is that she’s a fictional character. I still have to live with all my feels. Guess what? I’m not going to!

No one in their right mind wants to ever feel so out of place. Like they have no control over themselves. Depression is serious and it comes in many different forms, my friend. It’s definitely not something to boast or share with anybody. I never thought in my wildest days, I, carefree-high spirited-smiley me, would get to this point.

I wasn’t carefree: I had unresolved issues with others and espeically with myself.

I wasn’t as high spirited as I thought: Maybe high on something else cause I wanted to hide my misery.

And although I was smiley: My smile was just the cherry to top off my imaginary sundae.

I know it’s only going to get better because I am going to make things better! We don’t have any other life to choose besides the one we  are living now. So make the most out of it. “YOLO” if you need to, whatever! There are too many worries in the world for one human being to hold except for their own.

Don’t let depression get the best of you. Strive to be happy. Life is too damn short.

Talk to Someone. Move On. And Don’t Forget to Be Awesome.

k.m.w.

I rather write it out…

Faith, Positivity, The Mind Speaks, Uncategorized

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I should be studying right now. I should have been studying since I have all this time before school begins. Two months. TWO MONTHS.

Who takes off for that long of time? Well I did. Initially, I thought two months was just about right. Not too long but long enough to get my self situated. Then I felt like my world turned against me.

Upside- down. Sideways. All ways. “Is this truly happening to me?” It was like a domino effect of anything that would stir me up into a depression. Two months was starting to look too long. Too damn long. I wanted everything to just go back to way it was. I hated feeling like I was falling apart, literally. Who wants to feel like that? Honestly?

Every day I would wake up, hoping for that impossible change. They screwed me over. She doesn’t support my decision. He hasn’t called.

Every day I awaited for these particular scenarios to be fixed so I would not have to worry about them anymore.

“Maybe they made a mistake?…

Maybe she really replaced me?…

Maybe if I call or text a few more times, he’ll answer?”

Maybe not.

For one month. I was genuinely miserable. I was witnessing every one else enjoying their days while I was moping the majority of mine.

Being aware that my heart was empty made me feel empty. Emptiness is so weird to describe because it feels unreal. I still feel it to this day, but knowing that this will not last forever.

TWO MONTHS. Two months is starting to look too short. I wasted good quality family time because I was too focused on situations that had already ended. I was too focused on the negative outcomes than the positive ones. I was too focused on others making me happy instead creating my own happiness. I was too focused on not focusing on myself. 

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I know that being where I am for these two months is a learning process for me. I am gaining to be more vocal, to be more confident, and to be more ME than I ever had. All the times I felt like this journey was a mistake, I’ve realized it is truly a blessing in disguise. As people say often. The school who put me on hold, the relationship between a mother and a daughter, and the guy I fell “head-over-heels” too soon have a purpose to where I am now.

As much as we keep wishing, we are not the makers of our future and we, most certainly, cannot erase our past. Somebody out there, greater than all of us, has control. Whatever you believe in, you know there is a greater power than any of us. That greater power controls night and day and permits who enters and leaves earth. All we can do is take each day and grow. GROW, knowning there is more to come and it’s not all bad. I promise.

Even when you think the worst is happening in your life, the best is happening at the same time.

k.c.